Give it a watch. Tell him he’s pretty.
Here’s my second video. It’s another make-up video even though I don’t want my entire channel to be make-up. This time I’m swatching the Morphe 35O palette and using it to make a St. Patrick’s Day look along with the bhCosmetics 120 Color Eyeshadow Palette 1st Edition.
This video was super fun to make because the swatches came out really well and creating the look was a ton of fun. The lip was something I was debating back and forth on doing. I kept thinking of getting a green lipstick at work and just going with that but I knew I would never wear it again and couldn’t bring myself to spend money on one so I decided to use eyeshadow instead. I think it makes for a bolder, more trendy lip anyway. It’s probably not safe to eat, but it’s probably not super safe to eat any make-up anyways.
If/When I do future swatches, I’ll be sure to have a better set-up so that you can actually see me swatch the shades out. I’ll also be sure to turn on my external light again so that you can just see better in general. I’m still learning so bear with me. Please feel free to leave me constructive criticism.
Luke may or may not be in the next video.
Have a full 25 seconds of me being an idiot and a goof. This is the first video I have uploaded to my YouTube channel in four years. The last one was in June of 2014 and was a 14-minute Let’s Play of Fez. I was not good at the game and it was not a good video.
This video is out of focus. It is grainy. It is weirdly low-res. And I’m got something on TV in the background. It’s not good. But it’s a 25 second test video that I am choosing to share anyways because I like you guys and I like being transparent and if I don’t put it out there now I never will. I’m taking steps forward in my life right now and this is one of them.
I don’t know what the rest of my videos are going to look like. I don’t know if they’re going to continue to look this bad, if I’ll continue to be as goofy, or if I’ll ever decide on what my channel is “all about.” What I do know is I’m done being afraid to do what I want and this is that. Welcome back to my YouTube channel, friends. Feel free to go watch all of my older, cringier content too. It’ll make you laugh (or cry).
Last night, I drove home from work crying. At the time, I was rather confused as to why. I had a normal shift until the last five minutes, during which one of my managers asked me if I remembered a customer from the previous night. She showed me an email written to Ulta customer service in which the customer said that I was rude, condescending, and glared at her because she wanted to split a transaction because she wanted to give the products she was buying as gifts. In the conclusion of her short statement, she recommended that Ulta “reconsider my employment” because she deemed my behavior unacceptable there, or in any retail job. Her statements were false.
Though I do not remember exactly the interaction with this customer, I know that I was not rude or condescending to any customers. I did not glare at any customers that night, or ever. What I do remember, is that there was a customer with her name that came in. There was a customer that wanted to split a transaction to use two coupons, something I was told we are not allowed to do. I apologized and said that I could not do it. She seemed a bit annoyed but left without making a big fuss. This was not the first time that this situation occurred since I started working at Ulta in July, but this was the first time I heard something back about it.
After reading the statement and telling my manager that I was sure it was about the coupons, she told me that she didn’t think it sounded like me, and that she was, in no way, reconsidering my employment. She also added that I was not in any sort of trouble. I followed up by asking her about the coupon situation, actively trying to figure out what I had done wrong and how to fix it in the future.
We closed up the store, I got in my car, and started on my short drive home but started crying at some point. It took until Luke came home from work for me to finally understand what I was feeling. This woman, someone who has next to no impact on my life, attacked my character, not knowing me at all. Have I been rude and condescending to people in my life? Yes, who hasn’t? I will be the first one to admit that I’m not always a nice person. But over the years, I’ve tried to fix this. Other than “positive outcomes only,” the other motto I live by is simply “don’t be a dick.” Much in the same way I am fighting the internalized misogyny I have been ingrained with, I am fighting being a horrible person.
Many people will tell you being mean is easier than being nice. Obviously, if the current state of the government is anything to go by, this is true. I’ve stated this for many years in conversations with friends, family, and anyone that would listen. It is something that I preached about on my radio show at The University of Tampa. I wish I could be a bitch. You can get what you want much easier because you can step on, and over, people without giving it a second thought. You can use them, you can degrade them, it doesn’t matter. I’ve never been this kind of person.
However, I am not 100% nice. I’ve talked about friends behind their backs. I’ve not supported friends when it benefitted me. I’ve not supported friends when it hasn’t benefitted me. I have, for no reason other than I am petty and like drama, criticized people, their looks, their life choices. I am not 100% nice and I do not claim to be. Again, this is something I am working on.
This customer however, did not write that she didn’t like my hair. She did not write that I was too ugly to work at a make-up store. She did not write that I didn’t let her use coupons so she was mad she couldn’t get another $5 off of her purchase. She lied and called for corporate, and my managers, to terminate my employment at a job that I actually really enjoy. She told them that, in a heavily customer service role, I showed poor customer service.
I’ve had customers unhappy with me in this role. It happens, you can’t make everyone happy. Every other time, I’ve brushed it off. This time it stuck. It was because, as Luke explained to me, she lied and attacked my character. According to her statement, she was not unhappy with the policy, as other customers have been. She was unhappy with me. Even though I have had many customers very happy with me- a teenager hugged me, another woman brought us samples of her product (I’m not allowed to say what) because she had a fight with her partner and we helped her feel better before she went back home- but this occasion had me in tears.
This got me thinking about my future and what I am trying to do with it. Since I was young I have wanted to be famous. The reasons for this have changed over the years. When I was younger, I wanted to be famous because it seemed glamorous. As I’ve gotten older, the reason has changed to the fact that I simply want to have a voice. While this is still a dream for me (part of why I’m going to start making videos again) I had another dream: working for the Events Team at Rooster Teeth.
Not only is Rooster Teeth in the gaming community, one known to be less than cordial towards women, they are also an internet-based company, another community known not to be nice to women. This has always been a reservation in my mind, but it was one I was sure I could get past. I always thought that because a) I’d have a strong community of women behind me and b) I’ve generally had thick skin in the past, I would have less of a problem with the online abuse than some others. Now I don’t know that that is true. This incident has caused me to, once again, reconsider my life and what I’m going to do with it.
In a few days, weeks, months, I will get over this incident. I will laugh about the extreme that this woman went to to call for my termination over a coupon. I will have more amazing encounters with customers that love me and the service that I give them. I will make even better relationships with my managers, proving to them further that I am not the person this woman alleged that I am. It will not keep me down. But it will still be a fact of my life, and an event in it. It will still be something I have to think about, something that could very well shape my future. This customer was mad that she couldn’t save an extra $5 on her purchase, so she felt it worthy of her time to lie and call for me to be fired. She could have spent $0 to just be nice.
As I write this, I am watching a Jenna Marbles video in one tab and am sitting in a muted Google Hangout in another. No, I’m not being a horrible friend and/or employee. A company, that I was supposed to have an interview with 30 minutes ago, has yet to tune into the Hangout.
I understand that I am the one that needs the job and am probably the more desperate one (for lack of a better word) but they rescheduled the interview prior to this incident as well. This is also not the first company to reschedule an interview with me though the other kept the rescheduled date. I have also had many employers not respond to me at all, even to say they hated my resume and hate me too. If a candidate did these things, they would never be considered for a position. So my question, simply, when am I allowed to get mad and say to them that I have decided to go in another direction and pursue other candidates?
I might just be a tiny bit angry.
On a separate note, because my search for a “real job” has been coming to nothing, I’ve been contemplating what I actually want to do with my life, much in the same way I had when I realized, four years ago, that I did not want to be a psychology major anymore. At that point, I decided to go to New Media Production, something that I’d discovered, and loved, in middle school. I thought that was the way I’d take my life and career but then I found event planning and decided I wanted to go that way instead. Currently, I’m working as a Beauty Advisor at an Ulta store in Austin, utilizing neither of those things. Am I upset about it? Yes, but mainly because of my pride.
Many of my coworkers are young. They are 18-20 years old, attending school right now and working at Ulta as a part-time job just to fill the time and make some extra cash. Once they graduate, they plan to get real jobs, the same way I did. The prideful part of me, my ego, says that I messed up to be in the same position that they are. I should have a real job. I shouldn’t have to work retail since I have a degree already. Even though I mostly like this job (retail is never ALWAYS fun) there’s a part of me that says “you should have done better.”
That said, the job does actually make me happy. I’m working in a store surrounded my make-up that I get to see, try, and sometimes get for free (and when it’s not free I still get a discount). My “why” for everything I do in life is that I like to make people happy and I get to do that every day. Last week, a teen gave me a hug because she needed help picking stuff out and I spent close to an hour with her making sure she got what she wanted and understood what it was all for and why she wanted what I was handing her. I always saw retail people as annoying and just trying to make a sale, but that day I realized that we could actually be helpful and not everyone would see us that way. I went home happier than any other shift that night.
My point, though sometimes I have trouble reaching it, is that I’m going to try to stop stressing about the fact that I can’t get a “real job.” No, working at Ulta as I am right now is not enough money, especially with these loan payments coming up. Life is going to get difficult for a while. I am hopeful that I can pick up more hours, or get some sort of a raise at the start of 2018 though. Anything to give me a little more padding in my bank account.
I do also plan to start making videos again soon into 2018. I’ve been putting this off because I spent some time making videos back in high school and I felt they were silly and no one cared. I’m at a point right now that I don’t care. I start every year stating that I am going to “do me” this year, and then it never ends up happening. I blame it on a lack of time because of school or some other external force. This one is all me this time though. I’m taking responsibility for myself and owning up to my actions.
I know this isn’t going to be easy. I know I’m still going to have days that I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed. The important thing to remember though is that I am going to get up. I am going to do what I need to do for the day, and I’m going to get up the next day too. Though my life has not gone the way that I wanted or expected it to, it’s still going and that’s something to be happy about.
It’s been almost a month since I posted anything here. The reason- I’ve been unmotivated and quietly depressed.
Back in the beginning of October, I was feeling a mix of emotions. I knew I was leaving a job at BigCommerce, the company I was temping at, but I had an interview at Austin Community College for the Specialist of Student Life, and I had two phone interviews with Rooster Teeth for the Events Assistant position- my dream job. I very quickly learned that I didn’t get the job at Rooster Teeth and now, 6 weeks after my interview for ACC, I still have not heard back, whether good or bad, about the job there.
For about a week after hearing back from Rooster Teeth, I was crying a lot. I missed out on my dream job again with no knowledge of when I’d get another chance at it and no other job prospects. I’d still be working at Ulta, but as a part-time retail job, I knew it wouldn’t be enough. At some point in October, I decided I was going to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back at it but the next day, I was sad and unmotivated again. It was hard. I was confused as to why Rooster Teeth, BigCommerce, ACC, and anyone else not responding to me didn’t want me. I felt more than qualified for all of these jobs. This feeling stayed with me the rest of the month and is still hanging above my head as I write this.
I’d told myself that I would be productive with my free-time at home but all I’ve been doing is eating, watching YouTube and Netflix, and sleeping. I didn’t write a new blogpost in a month, I haven’t updated my portfolio website, and the apartment is a mess. To those unfamiliar with depression, this is what it looks like.
Through all of this I have kept my mantra, positive outcomes only, at the front of my mind. I have tried to remind myself that though it’s not working out now, it will. This has been hard to believe when I’ve been everything but productive, but today I feel better. Something in me flipped today and I feel encouraged to clean the place up and keep working on me, so the first step towards that was to write this post.
I’m also going to eat some of the half-priced Halloween candy Luke and I bought at the H-E-B this morning. We got a pile.
My last post was over a week ago. I’d been meaning to post in this time, but life has been rather busy. Because of that, this is going to be a rather long post, but it’s going to be pretty all-encompassing. And I’ll break it down into the different categories and keep them short-ish. To start:
I got my August GlamBag around the middle of the month. This one had three different bags that you could have received and I got the one I wanted. In the bag I received two CLIV Max Hyalruonic Masks, theBalm Cosmetics theBalm Voyage Vol. 2 Eyeshadow in Willkommen, MAKE UP FOR EVER EXCESSIVE LASH Aressting Volume Mascara, Hikari Cosmetics Shimmer Bronzer in Flush, and Hey Honey Come Clean: Propolis & Minerals Face Scrub.
So far I have used one of the masks and don’t have a lot to say about it. I like these masks, they are refreshing and for at least the next day after using them, my skin feels softer and looks brighter. Since I don’t use them regularly though, I can’t really say anything more than that. I know that these having hyaluronic acid in them is supposed to be a good thing too, but honestly, the word “acid” used in the same sentence as the word “face” makes me uncomfortable. I’ll probably stick to the green tea masks.
The eyeshadow and bronzer I haven’t actually used. I swatched them, because that’s what you do, but I don’t use a lot of eyeshadow and bronzer. They just aren’t my jam. I thought the swatches looked pretty nice though.
I like the mascara. I use it with a primer, obviously, but it works. I think most mascaras work pretty well with a primer, but I have found a few that didn’t work super well, and this was not one of them.
As for the face scrub- I’ll be tossing this out before I finish using it. The description on the ipsy website says that every people with sensitive skin love it but I don’t see how. I have pretty normal skin- gets oily when I don’t wash it for a bit but is generally okay. THIS STUFF BURNED. I love face scrubs. I looooooove the way my skin feels after exfoliating. Unfortunately, after exfoliating, it felt like there was salt poured all over my face. This was not a good feeling. I don’t think I’ve ever given anything from ipsy one star until now.
I am a Blue Apron customer. I originally signed up because I was curious and with a Rooster Teeth promo code, I could get $30 off, making my first box half price. Because I am stingy, I didn’t finish signing up at that point. I held out and they sent me an email for $40 off. Still wasn’t enough. Then I got the email for $50 off and I finished my membership and got my first box. Since then I have had a love/hate relationship with them. I believe that $60 is too much to be dishing out monthly for these meals so most of the time, I’ve been skipping weeks and only getting the boxes when they’ve got meals that look especially tasty in them. Since my first box however, all the of the boxes I have received after were boxes that I didn’t actually want and only received because I forgot to skip them. On 9/1, I received one of these boxes.
I was upset a) because $60 that I was not expecting to spend was now going to be spent and b) because I forgot about it, I didn’t even get to pick which meals I received and I got the default meals, one of which was barbecue baked chicken breast, sweet potato salad, and sauteed green beans. I spent $20 on barbecue baked chicken breast, sweet potato salad, and sauteed green beans. You can’t see my face, but it is unamused.
Since the box came in on Friday morning, I was at work so I asked Luke to bring it in and put all of the ingredients away. He did so and didn’t say anything was wrong with any of them. That Saturday, we decided to make one of the meals that turned out pretty well. On Sunday morning, I decided to go through all of the ingredients, just to see what we had. I pulled the sweet potatoes out of the pantry to find that one of them had turned completely to mush. What’s worse, somehow there was liquid in the bag that proceeded to leak all over the kitchen floor. I was livid. Luke then informed me that the sweet peppers in the fridge had also looked a little funky. I pulled them out and surely enough, they were moldy. I immediately took photos of it all and sent Blue Apron an angry email stating that for $60 I should not be getting bad produce (this wasn’t the first time) and would be cancelling my account. They responded the next day saying that they credited $10 to my account and how to cancel my account should I choose to proceed that way. This confused me as I have never seen a company actively tell people how to stop being customers. I guess they have so many that they figured they didn’t need me anymore.
I have yet to cancel because I don’t want that $10 to go to waste, but I will after I use it up.
My job hunt is still active. I am still working part-time at Ulta, though not many hours. I am still working temp in the same office I have been since August and today, I had an interview for the permanent position. In about a weekI also have an interview for a different position at a different company. I don’t want to jinx any of it so that’s all the information I am currently putting out there, but I’m nervous and pretty scared. A lot of what’s currently scaring me is the potential to have to choose which job I want because I don’t know right now. I’ve been talking to many people about this and I haven’t come up with a clearer decision. I suppose that is a bridge to cross when I get there however, because I could only get offered one or neither and then all of this anxiety was for nothing. We’re hoping for a much better outcome than that though.
Besides that, I’ve been dealing with needing to get a TX driver’s license and that has been a whole process that I can’t wait to be over.
Luke and I also bought season passes to Six Flags Fiesta Texas which is in San Antonio. The passes we bought will get us into any Six Flags though, so whenever we’re home, if anyone wants to go to Great America, we are there. The passes were supposed to be a birthday gift to Luke, but I just didn’t have the money to cover it so the surprise was ruined. So I still have to find a gift for him. If nothing else, I’ll bake him a cake. I can do that.
Yesterday was the first day of school at my alma mater, The University of Tampa, and at Austin Community College, the school Luke is now attending. While he is not big on photos to document big moments, and his parents did not have to move their baby boy into a dorm for the first time, I still saw many move-in photos from UT on social media over the weekend and it made me a bit nostalgic.
Since graduation in May up until the first of August, I was not working. This was not such a strange feeling because I’m used to having the summers off. As a student for the last 16 years of my life, I’ve gotten used to being busy as can be from August to June and then being a carefree kid in the remaining months. I knew this wasn’t going to continue to be the case however, which is why it was still scary even though it felt normal.
Now that I have been working for about a month at this temp job, I feel like I am back into a routine, much like the same routine I have known since I was five. The problem however, is that a) since this is a temp job, I am very likely to get thrown out of this routine very soon and b) even if I can keep it permanently, come May/June, I’m going to be ready for a three month break that isn’t going to come.
Even while I feel that I am back into the routine, the amount of free-time that I have when I get home from work has been weird. When I was younger, homework was no big thing for me; I finished it within an hour of getting home from school and then I had the rest of the night to go outside and play with the rest of the neighborhood kids. As I got older, this playtime went away. In high school and even middle school, my time at home was to be spent on homework and studying- there was no time for dilly-dallying (I still dilly-dallied… at the cost of my proper sleep schedule).
Then I got to college and found a ridiculous amount of free-time again. I went to classes for four (or less) hours a day and then had the rest of the day to do nothing as I pleased. I started to get bored so when I found an organization that I liked, I latched on and didn’t let go for my entire four years at UT. By the time I graduated, I think I’d spent more time in the Student Productions office than in my own rooms on and off campus. It was there that I’d found a love for event planning, so it just made sense that I was going to spend every free hour I had in the office. Even if I wasn’t exclusively working on programs, I found a way to make myself busy.
Now this temp job has me up at 6:30 am and home at 5:30 pm with nothing to do until I go to bed around 11 pm. With Luke working nights, I’ve been alone too, some nights unsure of what to do with myself. Recently, I’ve been crafting, working on ideas for this blog, and other personal projects. This has been a lot of fun, but I’m still missing something (and need more money) which is why I’m so excited that I’ll be working at Ulta.
This will hopefully be taking up a lot of the free-time I spend doing little to nothing at home, in an environment that I love. Ulta is a store that I’ve wanted to work at since I could work and, though it is part-time and at a pretty low wage, it will be something to keep money coming in if I don’t make this temp job into a permanent one. I still have my fingers crossed on that though.
And now, just to reminisce, the first photo taken of me at UT. I’ve used it a lot to look back at the times, but it’s still definitely one of my favorites.
In mid-to-late August 2007, I was in an interesting place in my life. I was 12-years-old, going on 13 come November, and I was what one could call an emo preteen. I felt that the world was against me and like I didn’t have many friends or anyone to lean on or look to. One of my older brothers, Kaz, was away in Colorado attending the United States Air Force Academy and the other, Toby, was going into his senior year of high school. Knowing that he wouldn’t be around in a year to help me through the difficult time I was going through, he decided to bring me to youth group at a church that was not ours and not even Catholic.
I’d fought going for a few weeks, also believing that God had turned his back on me, but eventually caved. Since it was still summer, the “class” part of youth group hadn’t started yet so the activities for that night were to play soccer in the big field behind the church. This was a great way to ease me in because I didn’t know anyone and would have felt awkward in the class if I had just been thrown in.
I don’t remember much else from that night except that I had fun and I’d met a boy. That boy was Luke.
Fast forward through the next ten years and here we are, celebrating ten years of knowing each other and me putting up with him through all of that time. It is not ten years of friendship and definitely not ten years of being together. We have not even hit one year yet there.
I’m not going to go into the all of the details of those ten years because I think he and I would both agree that there were some times that we’d like to leave in the past. It’s all gotten us to where we are now though- living together in Austin, happy as clams… most of the time.
To go into the details would also be to invade the privacy of someone else and put her on blast, something I do not want to do. The past is the past and I am looking to the future.
What I can say about where we are now is that it is partially thanks to Rooster Teeth and RTX, and we are happy. We’ve both learned from our past experiences and are willing to continue learning. To paraphrase something Luke has expressed to me before, if we’d started this relationship back when we were so young, one of us probably would have messed it up by now and we’d be lacking our best friend, something that we’d already been through a few times and don’t want to do again.
To celebrate the past ten years, on Saturday, the first day we’d been together for dinner since we started working, Luke decided we’d have ribeyes, my favorite steak. Yes, steak is expensive. No, we didn’t buy it just for this. Steak is surprisingly cheap in Austin and as of yesterday, we’d gotten four meals out of the two steaks we made on Saturday night.
To accompany the steak, we also made garlic parmesan mashed potatoes, kale chips, and fried plantains. It was a good dinner and a good night watching Descendants 2 for the second time.
Below is a bit of a photo representation of how far we’ve come. We were babies. Now, we are toddlers.
My August ipsy GlamBag came in yesterday and I was going to write about it today, but Shaun T is trying to kill me so I didn’t get around to taking photos of it. Instead I had to tend to my legs.
If you’ve heard of the fitness program “Insanity,” you have heard Shaun T. He is a 6’0″ New Jerseian who is fit and wants you to be fit. He is a dancer, motivational speaker, and fitness coach.
My mom recently sent me a set of DVDs called “Cize” and wanted me to do them in an effort to work out and get into shape. I’ve always been a chubby kid and while that was mostly to do with the fact that I love food, it was also because working out was always so boring to me. Running is not fun. Riding a stationary bike is not fun. Riding a real bike can be fun but I’m also incredibly uncoordinated and have a tendency to hurt myself on them. The way that I do like, and have always liked, being active however, is dancing.
My mom put my in dance classes when I was little and I only stuck with them for a a few years but they were still the most fun I had moving my little butt around. Even now, I find myself dancing when there is no music playing anywhere around me. “Cize,” she said, was made up of dances and would legitimately teach you to dance too, unlike the Just Dance games that teach you some of the craziest movements and call it dancing.
I’d had the DVDs for a while but only recently just started them this past Monday night. This was spurred on by a conversation with my former roommate in Tampa, Yakira.
She and I were discussing the upcoming wedding of another friend, Alexis, and how ill-fitting our bridesmaid dresses were. I disclosed to her that I hadn’t even tried the dress on again since getting it in because I knew I’d gained weight and I was afraid of what it would look like. She encouraged me to do it anyways and my fears were confirmed- the dress zipped but it felt like if I made one wrong move, the seams would bust. This is not something you want for the dress you are going to wear to a wedding where you’ll be dancing.
Yakira had already decided that she was going to start a workout and diet plan and wanted me to join in her journey. I agreed and the following Monday I roped Luke into starting “Cize” with me. I had no idea Shaun T was the instructor and when I first saw him on my TV screen, I knew it was going to be a hard workout.
Though we were both super worn out by the end of it, Luke and I made it through the half hour dance video and felt better afterwards. The next day, I woke up to my left calf as tight as I had ever felt it. I tried stretching it out but it was still difficult to walk on. I expressed this to Luke and he suggested I focus on my right leg more for the upcoming workout. I did, and then did again the next day because my left calf was still so tight. Once I was done last night however, both of my calves were tight. Today, I’m walking very slowly and probably look funny.
I’m partially concerned that I did something wrong but am currently chalking it up to the fact that I am super out of shape and may have just pushed myself a bit more than my body would have liked.
Tonight, because I am sure I will tear something if I try to do the full workout again, I am going to try the “Eight Count Abs” video instead. If it turns out that that requires too much of my legs, I guess I’ll settle for sit-ups or something. Rest day is Sunday and only Sunday, even if it means some days are a little less intense than others.
I’ll be updating every now and then with how this fitness journey is going. Hopefully it goes well and I will have good things to say every post… it can only go up from death, right?