Halloween

It’s been almost a month since I posted anything here. The reason- I’ve been unmotivated and quietly depressed.

Back in the beginning of October, I was feeling a mix of emotions. I knew I was leaving a job at BigCommerce, the company I was temping at, but I had an interview at Austin Community College for the Specialist of Student Life, and I had two phone interviews with Rooster Teeth for the Events Assistant position- my dream job. I very quickly learned that I didn’t get the job at Rooster Teeth and now, 6 weeks after my interview for ACC, I still have not heard back, whether good or bad, about the job there.

For about a week after hearing back from Rooster Teeth, I was crying a lot. I missed out on my dream job again with no knowledge of when I’d get another chance at it and no other job prospects. I’d still be working at Ulta, but as a part-time retail job, I knew it wouldn’t be enough. At some point in October, I decided I was going to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back at it but the next day, I was sad and unmotivated again. It was hard. I was confused as to why Rooster Teeth, BigCommerce, ACC, and anyone else not responding to me didn’t want me. I felt more than qualified for all of these jobs. This feeling stayed with me the rest of the month and is still hanging above my head as I write this.

I’d told myself that I would be productive with my free-time at home but all I’ve been doing is eating, watching YouTube and Netflix, and sleeping. I didn’t write a new blogpost in a month, I haven’t updated my portfolio website, and the apartment is a mess. To those unfamiliar with depression, this is what it looks like.

Through all of this I have kept my mantra, positive outcomes only, at the front of my mind. I have tried to remind myself that though it’s not working out now, it will. This has been hard to believe when I’ve been everything but productive, but today I feel better. Something in me flipped today and I feel encouraged to clean the place up and keep working on me, so the first step towards that was to write this post.

I’m also going to eat some of the half-priced Halloween candy Luke and I bought at the H-E-B this morning. We got a pile.